A few weeks ago, i was really bored.. not that am any better right now.. but still, somethings were occupying my mind so much that i felt i needed a break. I like to take a break when my mind is lodged with anxiety or when i am too confused to find the peace within. I mean.. I hate it when am allowing something to lead me.. i hate to feel weak.. i hate it when am not in control of my emotions.. when i can’t control how things are functioning in my life.. when something is coming so strongly on me.. so taking “a break” is good.. it always helps.. may be you should try doing that too..
So then.. I called my cousin and asked her to pay me a visit sometime soon.. that’s what i usually do when am bored.. i call up people i like, sometimes even the one’s i don’t, and then make plans. She told me she had been dying to see me herself as she had something personal to discuss. And that’s how we finally made a trip to vrindavan..
I know.. “vrindavan” .. you’re only mistaken, if you think we’re the religious kinds.. apparently, it is our families. It was their plan to take us all to vrindavan and as you can clearly assume.. we were really not in the mood.. but as they say, “beggars are not choosers” so we thought, any place is cool as long as we guys are together and having fun. Company matters after all, place doesn’t. Also, i was getting the car to drive all the way along so i really couldn’t say no
And..Our journey began.. i know you must be thinking what’s with the title “blissful tears”.. there’s no bliss and there are no tears.. only some boring paragraphs on my trip to someplace i dint want to go.. patience, my dear friends… patience is what you need cause am coming to that.. coming to the most important part of my journey.. the place called “barsana” Yes!! its a town in the district of mathura U.P, 50 kms before vrindavan.. it is said that radha spent her childhood in this town.. therefore, its a place of great importance to the hindus.
Now, you must be thinking.. what about this place? Well, a lot of people like us had come here for a govardhan parikrama, its a 4 km long parikrama or circumambulation considered good for one’s well-being..for their inner satisfaction and peace.. hence, this place. A person like me needed exactly this but i chose not to believe until we finished our parikrama and arrived at this humongously large temple of lord krishna and radha.
Yes, we have now come to the most beautiful part of my journey.. this temple.. it is not about the beauty of the temple or anything related to it but the divine experience i had that changed it for me.. The heat was killing.. i was sweating like a pig and completely irritated.. the only one thing i was happy about was that it was over.. the parikrama..Yes, this temple was our last stop..so i went ahead and stood where the aarthi or puja was taking place.. with the others..But i was badly annoyed with my perspiration and the crowd of women rubbing their bodies against mine.. its odd how i was standing in front of the deity of lord krishna and whining about the heat and these people pushing and dying to stand in between so they get to see and admire their lord.
I don’t know what happened.. i don’t like to whine you see..so i tried to divert my attention towards my mom.. i love her.. its always pleasant looking at her face when am upset or irritated.. it gives me faith, everything’s gonna be alright.. i was looking at her face then slowly, i looked down at her folded hands.. it was when i was looking at her hands that her rings caught my attention.. i had a glance at those beautiful rings and at once felt like wearing them.. so i made her remove the rings for me and wore them around my fingers.. Back to gazing at the deity of lord krishna.. i was happy, i looked at the shimmer in his eyes and that happy smile on his face.. and i was no longer feeling hot.. i was sweating but i was smiling….. there also came an instant when i was in a different state.. as if i was only physically standing there..
I can feel, you are curious to know what this is leading to..well, it is leading to my heavenly experience..cause i, was in a different world for a moment.. a world free from sorrows and glee .. have you experienced how it feels to be dead but alive? something like.. you are dead ie: free from the cycle of destiny and deed but you are alive ie: you can still see people.. laugh at their innocence.. and feel fortunate that you are freed..its like you exist but you don’t.. but only the divine knows that you do.. others don’t..
But not for a long time..loud noise of an unpleasant fight between some women poured onto my ears and i came back to my senses…but i was restless, i wanted to go away, back to the same state.. i wanted to concentrate on him, feel him, find him.. just a couple of moments ago.. he was there.. i couldn’t have let him go so i found my way out of the crowd, rested my back on the pillar and sat down in “sukhasana” a simple cross legged position.. somewhere behind the crowd or the place where the puja was still taking place..
I closed my eyes and spoke to the lord, “Oh lord! You know i believe in the your “nirguna”(god exists in the form of power, he is omnipresent) form yet you meet me in your “saguna” form(in the form of lord krishna) everytime ( i said so cause i have had a similar experience before in the “baanke-bihari” temple of vrindavan) .. i am sure there is a reason why you have chosen this form..(apparently, my mom read “bhagvadgeeta” when i was about to be born and as a child i was very fond of reading “geeta saar” , the essence of bhagavadgita, i remember having this “gita-saar” calendar hung on my bedrooms wall back when i was a kid)
and i am blessed i am able to feel you but lord, i can still hear people passing by, i can still hear them murmuring and talking amongst themselves.. why can’t i experience you fully? i want to have a fuller experience of you..where i am not able to hear anything or anybody.. just you and me.. please lord, allow me to feel you..if you are around me, show it to me that you are..”
…the moment i said that.. somebody placed a rose garland around my neck..and my body froze..i couldn’t see who did that as my eyes were closed..but at that moment, i felt complete..i felt so unique..so powerful that i can’t tell.. and it was bizarre..i started crying..and those tears that came out of my eyes were “blissful”..not the one’s of grief or joy.. so i was amazed at his mysterious ways of communicating with his people.. at the same time, thankful..for choosing me..
I was still crying.. and just in one moment, i got the answers to all my questions.. i came to know the truth.. and it is, what we all already know.. and yet we keep searching for it..its in front of us and we keep looking around it..and I found peace.. I realized, where i can find absolute love..what can give me boundless joy and peace.. it is in loving the eternal source of everything that we can get the absolute love and gratification.. something we keep looking for in human love.. which is the source of our gloominess.. which is why we feel either ecstatic or too despondent but not heavenly.. cause we anticipate perfection and permanence from the wrong source.. i always knew it but it was time to revise what i had already known..and when i realized it..i discovered myself free from my fears and doubts.. i felt my emotions were independent of the circumstances and people around me..
And.. so ended my “blissful tears”.. .. the following 2 days of the trip were the best as i enjoyed each moment of it doing whatever i wanted to in whichever way i wanted to.. i was not trying to act cool saying “shit dad, where have you brought us to” or getting irritated cause i was sweating cause trust me, i was sweating all the time.. i was not concerned why these people are fighting in temples to see what already lies within us.. the image of our lord or why do some people despite being who they are can feel the presence of the divine around them.. i was just contributing and giving my best, to myself, my cousins, my day and my lord.. and in return..i was at peace.. with myself :)
But am only a human, right? so there are still sometimes when i feel agitated.. and not at peace with myself..but everytime that happens now..i try and look back at that day.. those few hours spent in barsana.. and suddenly everything becomes fine.. i love how he keeps giving me a reason to believe in him .. and am happy i am amongst the few fortunate one’s to share this bond with him.. so i don’t care, if am successful or not..i don’t care if i will be loved or not..i don’t care if people will stay or not cause i know.. He will.. he will stay, he will love,and he will be around.. always and forever.. and i will keep giving him my best.. by contributing my best to this life..
Eversince that incident has taken place.. he keeps meeting me in one way or the other.. ..like a few days ago.. i learned.. I and lord krishna share the same zodiac..miraculous, Isn’t it? oh well..miraculous reminds me..
that..there are times i wonder what had happened to me that day… WHAT was it..???? was that the magic of those rings??? or something else..?? honestly saying..i don’t know.. and I have not bothered finding out.. Cause..whatever it was..i just know one thing..
the joy of believing is inexplicable.. and i am happy i have found someone who will never betray :)
