As my inner voice frightens me, I feel numb and phlegmatic. Like my fate has disowned me. Like I have lost my ultimate chance to feel love. Love is now, but, a fantasy to me. Like an unfulfilled dream of a girl who is youthful enough to still believe in a fairytale. Like an incomplete story of a paranoid waiting and wanting to be completed. Like a condemned soul yearning to free itself from a curse.
Can’t you see cupids have denied you the splendor of love? Why close your eyes to see the truth when you can see it with your eyes wide open? Why wait for the impossible? Why risk witnessing a frozen moment of your lifeless future?
Its over for you.
Love is a fictitious emotion like the fanciful characters in a drama. For a moment you think its alive, that you can also be in it, and weave your teensy weensy dreams. But truth is, its as transient as these moments rushing away. It spares you from being hopeless but it cannot be lived.
If there is anything like true love. It saddens me to discover it has given up on me. And, I secretly in the chambers of my heart lament.
As I cry, I feel the morbid pain. I imagine my world falling. I sense the lack of inspiration. I experience the death of an innocent inside me. I feel an unceasing heartache. I feel cheated by life. I find myself so fragile to endure the agony of not being loved. I hear the noise of my soul breaking apart. I see a reason to erase my existence.
And..with great sorrow..I give up..
A few weeks ago, i was really bored.. not that am any better right now.. but still, somethings were occupying my mind so much that i felt i needed a break. I like to take a break when my mind is lodged with anxiety or when i am too confused to find the peace within. I mean.. I hate it when am allowing something to lead me.. i hate to feel weak.. i hate it when am not in control of my emotions.. when i can’t control how things are functioning in my life.. when something is coming so strongly on me.. so taking “a break” is good.. it always helps.. may be you should try doing that too..
So then.. I called my cousin and asked her to pay me a visit sometime soon.. that’s what i usually do when am bored.. i call up people i like, sometimes even the one’s i don’t, and then make plans. She told me she had been dying to see me herself as she had something personal to discuss. And that’s how we finally made a trip to vrindavan..
I know.. “vrindavan” .. you’re only mistaken, if you think we’re the religious kinds.. apparently, it is our families. It was their plan to take us all to vrindavan and as you can clearly assume.. we were really not in the mood.. but as they say, “beggars are not choosers” so we thought, any place is cool as long as we guys are together and having fun. Company matters after all, place doesn’t. Also, i was getting the car to drive all the way along so i really couldn’t say no
And..Our journey began.. i know you must be thinking what’s with the title “blissful tears”.. there’s no bliss and there are no tears.. only some boring paragraphs on my trip to someplace i dint want to go.. patience, my dear friends… patience is what you need cause am coming to that.. coming to the most important part of my journey.. the place called “barsana” Yes!! its a town in the district of mathura U.P, 50 kms before vrindavan.. it is said that radha spent her childhood in this town.. therefore, its a place of great importance to the hindus.
Now, you must be thinking.. what about this place? Well, a lot of people like us had come here for a govardhan parikrama, its a 4 km long parikrama or circumambulation considered good for one’s well-being..for their inner satisfaction and peace.. hence, this place. A person like me needed exactly this but i chose not to believe until we finished our parikrama and arrived at this humongously large temple of lord krishna and radha.
Yes, we have now come to the most beautiful part of my journey.. this temple.. it is not about the beauty of the temple or anything related to it but the divine experience i had that changed it for me.. The heat was killing.. i was sweating like a pig and completely irritated.. the only one thing i was happy about was that it was over.. the parikrama..Yes, this temple was our last stop..so i went ahead and stood where the aarthi or puja was taking place.. with the others..But i was badly annoyed with my perspiration and the crowd of women rubbing their bodies against mine.. its odd how i was standing in front of the deity of lord krishna and whining about the heat and these people pushing and dying to stand in between so they get to see and admire their lord.
I don’t know what happened.. i don’t like to whine you see..so i tried to divert my attention towards my mom.. i love her.. its always pleasant looking at her face when am upset or irritated.. it gives me faith, everything’s gonna be alright.. i was looking at her face then slowly, i looked down at her folded hands.. it was when i was looking at her hands that her rings caught my attention.. i had a glance at those beautiful rings and at once felt like wearing them.. so i made her remove the rings for me and wore them around my fingers.. Back to gazing at the deity of lord krishna.. i was happy, i looked at the shimmer in his eyes and that happy smile on his face.. and i was no longer feeling hot.. i was sweating but i was smiling….. there also came an instant when i was in a different state.. as if i was only physically standing there..
I can feel, you are curious to know what this is leading to..well, it is leading to my heavenly experience..cause i, was in a different world for a moment.. a world free from sorrows and glee .. have you experienced how it feels to be dead but alive? something like.. you are dead ie: free from the cycle of destiny and deed but you are alive ie: you can still see people.. laugh at their innocence.. and feel fortunate that you are freed..its like you exist but you don’t.. but only the divine knows that you do.. others don’t..
But not for a long time..loud noise of an unpleasant fight between some women poured onto my ears and i came back to my senses…but i was restless, i wanted to go away, back to the same state.. i wanted to concentrate on him, feel him, find him.. just a couple of moments ago.. he was there.. i couldn’t have let him go so i found my way out of the crowd, rested my back on the pillar and sat down in “sukhasana” a simple cross legged position.. somewhere behind the crowd or the place where the puja was still taking place..
I closed my eyes and spoke to the lord, “Oh lord! You know i believe in the your “nirguna”(god exists in the form of power, he is omnipresent) form yet you meet me in your “saguna” form(in the form of lord krishna) everytime ( i said so cause i have had a similar experience before in the “baanke-bihari” temple of vrindavan) .. i am sure there is a reason why you have chosen this form..(apparently, my mom read “bhagvadgeeta” when i was about to be born and as a child i was very fond of reading “geeta saar” , the essence of bhagavadgita, i remember having this “gita-saar” calendar hung on my bedrooms wall back when i was a kid)
and i am blessed i am able to feel you but lord, i can still hear people passing by, i can still hear them murmuring and talking amongst themselves.. why can’t i experience you fully? i want to have a fuller experience of you..where i am not able to hear anything or anybody.. just you and me.. please lord, allow me to feel you..if you are around me, show it to me that you are..”
…the moment i said that.. somebody placed a rose garland around my neck..and my body froze..i couldn’t see who did that as my eyes were closed..but at that moment, i felt complete..i felt so unique..so powerful that i can’t tell.. and it was bizarre..i started crying..and those tears that came out of my eyes were “blissful”..not the one’s of grief or joy.. so i was amazed at his mysterious ways of communicating with his people.. at the same time, thankful..for choosing me..
I was still crying.. and just in one moment, i got the answers to all my questions.. i came to know the truth.. and it is, what we all already know.. and yet we keep searching for it..its in front of us and we keep looking around it..and I found peace.. I realized, where i can find absolute love..what can give me boundless joy and peace.. it is in loving the eternal source of everything that we can get the absolute love and gratification.. something we keep looking for in human love.. which is the source of our gloominess.. which is why we feel either ecstatic or too despondent but not heavenly.. cause we anticipate perfection and permanence from the wrong source.. i always knew it but it was time to revise what i had already known..and when i realized it..i discovered myself free from my fears and doubts.. i felt my emotions were independent of the circumstances and people around me..
And.. so ended my “blissful tears”.. .. the following 2 days of the trip were the best as i enjoyed each moment of it doing whatever i wanted to in whichever way i wanted to.. i was not trying to act cool saying “shit dad, where have you brought us to” or getting irritated cause i was sweating cause trust me, i was sweating all the time.. i was not concerned why these people are fighting in temples to see what already lies within us.. the image of our lord or why do some people despite being who they are can feel the presence of the divine around them.. i was just contributing and giving my best, to myself, my cousins, my day and my lord.. and in return..i was at peace.. with myself :)
But am only a human, right? so there are still sometimes when i feel agitated.. and not at peace with myself..but everytime that happens now..i try and look back at that day.. those few hours spent in barsana.. and suddenly everything becomes fine.. i love how he keeps giving me a reason to believe in him .. and am happy i am amongst the few fortunate one’s to share this bond with him.. so i don’t care, if am successful or not..i don’t care if i will be loved or not..i don’t care if people will stay or not cause i know.. He will.. he will stay, he will love,and he will be around.. always and forever.. and i will keep giving him my best.. by contributing my best to this life..
Eversince that incident has taken place.. he keeps meeting me in one way or the other.. ..like a few days ago.. i learned.. I and lord krishna share the same zodiac..miraculous, Isn’t it? oh well..miraculous reminds me..
that..there are times i wonder what had happened to me that day… WHAT was it..???? was that the magic of those rings??? or something else..?? honestly saying..i don’t know.. and I have not bothered finding out.. Cause..whatever it was..i just know one thing..
the joy of believing is inexplicable.. and i am happy i have found someone who will never betray :)
Its been two years and it feels like it was yesterday. Memories are so weird. You can’t delete them permanently until you erase them from your heart and that, just never happens. And you realize how you have deleted everything and its still there, somewhere in the recycle bin. You try shift+deleting it but the tabs you press are jammed and don’t function anymore. Its a helpless state. Its when you leave everything to time but since you are so persistent on forgetting everything, it becomes like an unattainable goal. You don’t like that state, neither you derive sadistic pleasure out of it nor you feel stuck because of it. But you wanna get out of it cause its moving along with your moving ahead.
Do we live in something cause we’ve made a choice? or Is it simply because we’re trying so hard? I had no answers to my own questions. Despite knowing where the solution lies, i was entangled in the mess. Knowingly or unknowingly, I was committing hurtful mistakes. In my confusion, i did so many things, outcomes of which were miserable but i couldn’t care. I have felt that desperation, that kind of, urge to STOP. Sometimes people, sometimes situations, sometimes myself dint arouse any interest in me that i stand still and picture my life from there. So i kept moving from one one place to another not searching for anything. Cause what i ever wanted was all there, already, in my head. It kept moving along with me, i kept moving along with it.
Time proved to be less of a healer and more of a catalyst. The longing was more intense, the confusion more apparent. There was no going back with no moving forward. Every face looked like his and every place, a place so strange. Giving up on this was not the idea. The idea was to find out. Farewell to all the confusions was a trick to ravel the surprise.
Do people really give up limo for a bus? or Is it that there are still somethings money can’t buy? I gave up on those who called me “life”, for it was his. To some, it was my loss but for me, it was gratification. Of chasing my insight without being empirical. My sense of reasoning was lost. The mundane delight was long shift+deleted from the list of my life..i was yearning for the comfort of my home. The only confusion being, i didn’t know if it was still mine. But a mere glimpse of it in my mind was sufficient to light my light bulbs.
Wait and watch was written in the leafs of destiny. The sudden restlessness and impulse came to a halt. Tomorrow was blurred with the reflection of yesterday.
And, I loved again. But this time, it was not the same.
rishabh: tell me something if you have an ex who wants to be friends with you but you don’t want to be friends with them what would you tell them? *with him/her
me: i don’t think i can handle this friendship. m basically not interested in being friends. its not because u have flaws, its because m not flawless and i wont be able to be the way m supposed to be with a friend. ure voice refreshes my old wounds and i feel bad. i hope u don’t want me to feel bad because of u
rishabh: holy crap nice! you’re good at this stuff !
me: since birth :)
rishabh: haha i’m sure
And then, i became his ex one day and he used the trick on me..hahahaha..such is life :)
Dude!
I have waited so desperately to write this post. I have my chance today and am not missing it no matter what. I’m not sleeping until i finish this one.
So, here we go. I have not been single in a long time so i was always scared of updating what i ever felt for love on my blog. I always had a “what if” on my mind, what if, he reads my blog and leaves me but dude, i don’t give a shit. I am gonna write what i feel and if “the one” cannot accept it, i can’t care much. Oh wait, and this is no attitude am throwing.
So guys, I honestly, genuinely and most sincerely feel that Love is BULLSHIT. Hang on! well, yeah, am angry right now so may be that’s the reason am writing this shit but then why the fuck am i always angry in relationships?
What goes wrong in love that makes you feel so shitty?
Yeah! You’re right. I have an answer to this. Nobody, i know of, was born a playboy or a playgirl. When love happens, its innocent and pristine. No girl likes to go on a dumping spree and am sure, no guy just wants to fuck in love. But, just cause some bad people give you bad experience, you stop believing in that divine emotion that constitutes you.
How fair is that?
I see people talking about their past all the time. They are not concerned about who they are with in their present and then they say, relationships are a mess. I don’t deny the fact that you don’t learn from your past but do you pick up the right things to learn? Cause some intelligent people make their past so significant by not giving their present what it deserves cause they think if they give their 100% again and things don’t work, they’ll end up as losers.
Isn’t this so amazing? I don’t wanna give my best cause i don’t wanna get hurt if it doesn’t work out. Is that how you define “love”? I have moved on in life, I’m over my past but am still not going to consider my present as a fresh experience and I’m over my past. Really?
You’re over your past which is why you can’t stop connecting your past with your present? Which is why, instead of making things work in your present and giving your present a better individual, who has learned from his past and worked on where all he needed improvements, you just give your loused up self to someone and expect things to run smoothly. Sorry to say this but that’s not how things work.
It all comes down to one single word- Belief
Do you believe enough in yourself that you wont be wrong this time? Do you believe in your choices that you’re making? Do you believe that every individual is a different individual, is a new person and, that, no two experiences are ever going to be the same? Do you believe in giving yourself an honest chance in life, to love, to live, to laugh again?
I don’t think you do. Cause you, like everyone else, can honk about things not going right. You can call love bullshit but never see what makes it so? And you are too egoistic to admit ,you are the reason behind, some people don’t believe in love, reason why some call it bullshit.
Dude! Relations don’t bother you cause everybody needs it, commitments don’t bother cause you can break them anyway, sex doesn’t bother cause its not a big deal these days to fuck someone while you’re still confused about your feelings. What bothers is, you don’t want the bad part.
You just want the ever so perfect, ever so smooth relationship which, i am afraid, cannot happen if you’re not willing to make efforts yourself. And, if you’re too busy to make any efforts cause there’s so much that needs to be accomplished, you don’t deserve a relationship, a commitment or even sex.
Relations end cause one of you decides to make less efforts cause the other is already making enough. They end cause one of you forgets how incomplete you’d feel on your graduation day when you wont have your special someone around..and the time you will take to realize what’s gone, you’d be late to start again..
And the cycle of, make-up, make-out and break-up will go on and people will keep cribbing if there actually is some word like “love” or is life just about your achievements, the one’s you can’t share with anyone.
If it has to eventually end on this, why love at all? Its like you always knew it was going to end cause you were not going to invest and you were still giving a go at it to experience what comes along.
I actually have more respect for western culture in my eyes today, atleast, they don’t fake love just to be in someone’s bed.
I’m happy now cause once again rules, norms and ethics can shove off. People who honk about it the most, break them first. A man is known by his conduct, not his accomplishments and there is not a man, morally clean.
How can emotions be any pure when the man who has them has lost its quintessence?
I just feel unfortunate for having known some people who can give lectures on spirituality when they have never essentially indulged in introspection. How would you discover love and its divinity if materialistic pleasure, is what you seek?
A person who cannot value the living beings, who can think, talk and walk..wont be able to do justice to the education he has attained..cause a man whose soul has died, is a man who doesn’t exist. And dead can do no justice to anything.
We are so diminutive to experience something as bountiful and as complete as LOVE. What we explore now a days, is just an imitation of love, incomplete and rare.
Hence,
LOVE = BULLSHIT
Temper tantrums, however fun they may be to throw, rarely solve whatever problem is causing them
People who don’t think you’re important wont think your words are. You must let such people be
I usually think of starting my post with something like an “I don’t know” but then i think to myself how confused that would portray me as and am not confused, its just that there’s so much going inside my head right now. I don’t know what to start with, two thoughts are simultaneously flowing in my head and am not able to comprehend which one be mentioned first. Okay, I have had a long and tiring day but that’s not something unusual. Unusual is, the treatment you get when you’re being yourself, you are taken for granted. Yes, even by those who you think you can reveal your real self to. I used to wonder why people are so pseudo ,never realizing how hard it is for you to retain your natural self.
I really feel that i should let things be, i have worked my ass real hard to get everything in its place but that usually doesn’t help. Try, get frustrated, try again, and the cycle goes on. You know what’s the most difficult thing to do in life? To decide which one out of the two helps, being right or being yourself. Self is always imperfect, hence, not easily accepted. And being right is trying to pretend perfection which is welcomed so much. Being right is being fake and whenever the real self comes out, you’re knocked out. So why face disappointments later when you can have them right at the beginning? Be yourself, without judging whether its a right thing to do or not. It will take a lot of time for people to finally understand you but when they will, you will know how comfortable it is to not get frustrated by holding up things inside you and you’d value the significance of being yourself so much.
I will end here..there’s someone i don’t wanna talk to cause my heart says so, so am gonna do that. I’m gonna be myself
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